Conflict to Communication

Section 1: Difficult Conversations Scenarios

As we learned in the first module, we all manage conflict differently, depending on the circumstances. Something else that it is important for us to be aware of is how our emotions inform our responses to difficult and tense situations.

In part one of this module, you will read/screen 3-4 scenarios and reflect on your responses using the following prompts:

• What you are feeling in your body and where you are feeling it
• What emotions accompany these physical responses? The stories that you find yourself reacting to internally (I.e. what label are you putting on this person, what memories are conjured up for you, what are you reminded of)
• How do you think you would typically handle this situation?
• How are you left feeling (physically, emotionally, about the person you’re engaging with?

Timothy and the Black Literature Club – Part 1

Timothy has worked at Central Library for over 20 years. He has witnessed a number of community efforts to challenge programs and books at the library over the years, but nothing like he has seen recently. It seems that every week he or one of his colleagues has had to deal with someone upset about something they think the library is doing that it’s simply is not. One afternoon, Timothy was approached by John, a community member who seems like he has something urgent to speak with him about:

• JOHN: “Excuse me, are you the one in charge of this library?”
• TIMOTHY: I’m the head librarian, yes. How can I help you?
• JOHN: You can help me by explaining what the hell is going on here.  I heard that you’re hosting a group of radicals who are brainwashing our kids with their anti-American propaganda.

Let’s PAUSE here

Take a few minutes to discuss in small groups or reflect on your own:

What emotions, thoughts and feelings do you think Timothy may be experiencing at this moment?

Timothy and the Black Literature Club – Part 2

John is holding up a flyer with the months’ community meet-up offerings. The library serves as a hub for all types of community groups, which is one of things Timothy loves most about working for the library. On the flyer Timothy sees a calendar with events ranging from “Be there and Be square quilting circle” to Dungeons and Dragons Adventurers League to Dad’s and Daughters play dates.

• TIMOTHY: I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about. What group are you referring to?
• JOHN: Don’t play dumb with me. I’m talking about the so-called “Black Literature Club” that meets here every month. I know what they’re really doing. They’re teaching our children critical race theory and making them hate their own country and culture.
• TIMOTHY: That’s not true at all. The Black Literature Club is a community group that reads and discusses books by black authors. They’re not teaching anything, they’re just sharing their perspectives and experiences.
• JOHN: Perspectives and experiences? Is that what you call it? How about lies and distortions? How about indoctrination and manipulation? How about racism and bigotry?
• TIMOTHY: No, none of those things. The Black Literature Club is a peaceful and respectful group that welcomes anyone who wants to join. They’re not racist or bigoted, they’re just centering Black writers who may not be as well-known as other writers.
• JOHN: As a Black man, I’m tired of Black people being singled out as if we are different from everybody else. I don’t want my Black children just reading Black literature, I want them reading all literature, that’s being a real American. Can you imagine if someone wanted to start a “White Literature Club”? They’d be called racist in a heartbeat. How is this any different?

Let’s PAUSE here…

Take a few minutes to discuss in small groups or reflect on your own:

So, let’s assume that Timothy is aware that he has been speaking with someone that may identify as Black/African-American. That being said, how do you think Timothy might respond in this situation? How might identity and experience inform Timothy’s response?

• TIMOTHY, aware that this conversation was beginning to draw the attention of other library patrons responds, “While I can’t speak in hypothetical’s I can assure you that a reading group under that name would go through the same protocols for approval and any other group.
• JOHN: Well, I doubt that. You won’t be seeing me in here while you all spread woke-ism. And we’ll see if the county will allow you to keep groups like this alive once they get wind of this.

Reflection Questions:

• What were you feeling in your body and where you are feeling it as you took in this scenario?
• If you have experienced a similar situation, how did your emotions,  personal views and conflict style impact how you responded?
• If you have not experienced something like this, how do you think your emotions, thoughts, and conflict style might impact how you respond?
• What did you think of the way Timothy handled this situation?
  • Were there things you particularly liked?
  • Were there things that you think he could have done differently?
• How do you think you would typically handle this situation?
• What if anything would you do to take care of yourself after an incident like this? Who might you look to for support?

Linda & the Queens – Part 1

LINDA is a mother of two young children, a three-year-old and a six-year-old. and frequents the library during the summer months to try her best to keep her children away from screens (which is becoming more of a losing battle with each day). She understands that the library is a place for everyone, but sometimes feels that the library doesn’t do a good enough job of protecting young children from certain ideas and images.

As June approaches, LINDA sees a number of colorful displays of books and posters celebrating Pride Month, one of which features an advertisement for “Drag Queen Story Hour “which will be held every Saturday morning in June, during the time that she and her children usually visit the library. LINDA has friends and family members that are members of the LGBTQ community and has been to a drag show a time or two herself, but just can’t wrap her mind around how something like this is appropriate for young people to participate in. When she is checking out, she decides to ask the clerk about the displays and story hour:

• LINDA: “Can you tell me more about the Drag Queen Story Hour that’s scheduled for next week?”
• CARA: Sure, as part of our Pride Month program offerings, we are partnering with our regional “Drag Queen Story Hour” chapter to celebrate the diversity in our community and provide folks in our community a unique experience.
• LINDA: Ok…I have nothing against gay people, I mean I have a cousin that’s gay, but don’t you all think children are a little too young to be exposed to that sort of lifestyle?

Let’s pause here…

Take a few minutes to discuss in small groups or reflect on your own:

What emotions, thoughts and feelings do you think CARA may be experiencing at this moment? How do you think this might impact the rest of the interaction with LINDA?

Linda & the Queens – Part 2

CARA and her team met many times during the planning of Pride month events to prepare for interactions just like this one. CARA responds:

• CARA: I understand wanting to protect your children from things you think they may not be ready for. We try our best to serve all members of the community and to provide access to a diverse range of materials and perspectives. The Pride Month programs are intended to celebrate the contributions and experiences of LGBTQ+ people and give folks the opportunity to engage with folks they may not get a chance to engage with on a regular basis.
• LINDA: I get that, but aren’t there other ways to expose kids to LGBTQ people? Why can’t you all just do a normal story time and read a book with Gay characters?
• CARA: We do try to include a range of text during our normal story hour but felt this would be a great opportunity to partner with a local non-profit.
• LINDA: Well do you at least provide an alternative for parents that don’t want their children exposed to this stuff. This is the only time that I can bring my kids into the library because I work all week, and this is just so unfair.

Let’s pause here…

Take a few minutes to discuss in small groups or reflect on your own:

How do you think CARA might respond in this situation? How can she stand firm on the library’s values and commitment, but with compassion and empathy?

Linda & the Queens – Part 3

•  CARA: I understand that it can be frustrating to change your plans when something unexpected happens. Perhaps you can consider visiting one of our other branches this month. Here is a calendar that has all of the program offerings for the branches in our area, and you can find out about program updates online.
• LINDA: I’ll check it out, but I don’t know if it will work out. This is the closest to the library to our house. Thanks for trying, I guess we just won’t be coming to the library for a while…

Reflection Questions:

• What were you feeling in your body and where you are feeling it as you took in this scenario?
• If you have experienced a similar situation, how did your emotions, personal views, and conflict style impact how you responded?
• If you have not experienced something like this, how do you think your emotions thoughts and conflict style might impact how you respond?
• What did you think of the way CARA handled this situation?
  • Were there things you particularly liked?
  • Were there things that you think he could have done differently?
• How do you think you would typically handle this situation?
• What, if anything, would you do to take care of yourself after an incident like this? Who might you look to for support?

Joanie and Ramadan – Part 1

Joanie is the co-chair of her library’s Diversity and Culture committee. She and her colleagues have worked really hard over the past few years to have the libraries’ materials and displays better reflect the diversity of the community. Joanie is especially proud and excited about the Iftar (breaking of the fast) that she and the Islamic Center in her town are partnering together on during Ramadan. As Joanie and one of her colleagues are setting up for the event, they are approached by a community member named Teresa:

• TERESA: Excuse me, what is going on here?
• JOANIE: Hello, we are having a Ramadan celebration at the library. It’s a cultural event to learn more about Islam and its traditions.
• TERESA: Well, I don’t think this is appropriate. This is a public library, not a mosque. You shouldn’t be promoting one religion over others.

Let’s pause here…

Take a few minutes to discuss in small groups or reflect on your own:

What emotions, thoughts and feelings do you think JOANIE may be experiencing at this moment? How do you think this might impact the rest of the interaction with TERESA?

Joanie and Ramadan – Part 2

• JOANIE: We are not promoting any religion; we are just celebrating the diversity of our community. We have events for different faiths and cultures throughout the year. For example, we had a Kwanzaa party in December and a Chinese New Year festival in February.
• TERESA: That’s different. Those are secular holidays, not religious ones. Ramadan is a religious observance that has nothing to do with American values. You are alienating most of the community who are Christians.
• JOANIE: I’m sorry you feel that way, but Ramadan is not just a religious observance, it’s also a cultural phenomenon. Millions of Muslims around the world and in America celebrate Ramadan every year. It’s a time of fasting, prayer, charity, and reflection. It’s a way of showing gratitude, compassion, and solidarity. It’s a part of our global heritage and diversity.
• TERESA: I don’t care about global heritage and diversity. I care about our local community and our Christian values. You are disrespecting our beliefs and our country by hosting this event. You should cancel it immediately and apologize to the public.

Let’s pause here…

Take a few minutes to discuss in small groups or reflect on your own:

How do you think JOANIE might respond in this situation? How can she stand firm on the library’s values and commitment, but with compassion and empathy?

Joanie and Ramadan – Part 3

• JOANIE: I’m afraid I can’t do that. This event is open to everyone who wants to participate or learn more about Ramadan. It’s not meant to offend or disrespect anyone. It’s meant to educate and celebrate. We have a right to host this event and you have a right to express your opinion, but you don’t have a right to stop us from having this event.
• TERESA: This is outrageous. You are violating the separation of church and state. You are imposing your agenda on the rest of us and using our tax dollars to do it. I’m going to report this to the mayor and the media. You will regret this decision.
• JOANIE: I can see you feel strongly about this, but I stand by our decision. This event is not a violation of anything, it’s a celebration of something. It’s not an imposition, it’s an invitation, a bridge. I hope you will reconsider your position and join us in this event. Thank you for your time and have a nice day.

Reflection Questions:

• What were you feeling in your body and where you are feeling it as you took in this scenario?
• If you have experienced a similar situation, how did your emotions, personal views, and conflict style impact how you responded?
• If you have not experienced something like this, how do you think your emotions, thoughts, and conflict style might impact how you respond?
• What did you think of the way JOANIE handled this situation?
  • Were there things you particularly liked?
  • Were there things that you think he could have done differently?
• How do you think you would typically handle this situation?
• What, if anything, would you do to take care of yourself after an incident like this? Who might you look to for support?

Ms. Lee and the Banned Books (K-12 Example) – Part 1

MS. LEE has been the Media Specialist at John Douglass Middle School for 15 years. She loves that she can provide a space where students can explore their interests, hold meetings and find a bit of a reprieve from the daily pressures of Middle School. She’s been following the recent news about book banning and calls to limit access to certain materials especially those that some folks feel don’t align with their values and while she understands parents wanting to have a better sense of what their children are being exposed to, she finds the lengths that are being taken to censor educators to be a bit much.

MS. LEE was busy sorting out the new arrivals when she heard a knock on the door. She looked up and saw the principal, Mr. Jones standing there with a somber but stern expression:

MS. LEE: “Hello, Mr. Jones. What can I do for you?”

MR. JONES: “Ms. Lee, I need to talk to you about something important. May I come in?”

MS.LEE: “Of course, please have a seat.” She gestured to a chair near her desk.

He walked in and closed the door behind him and handed Ms. Lee a folder with  a piece of paper inside.

MR. JONES: “This is a list of books that I want you to remove from the library immediately.”

Let’s pause here…

Take a few minutes to discuss in small groups or reflect on your own:

What emotions, thoughts and feelings do you think MS. LEE may be experiencing at this moment? How do you think this might impact the rest of the interaction with MR. JONES?

Ms. Lee and the Banned Books (K-12 Example) – Part 2

MS. LEE took the paper and scanned it quickly. Her eyes widened as she recognized some of the titles. They were books that dealt with topics such as racial identity, LGBTQ identities, social justice, feminism, and other issues that were considered “woke” by some people.

She looked at him in disbelief. “Mr. Jones, you can’t be serious. These are some of the most popular and acclaimed books in our collection. They are important for our students to have access to and learn from. Why do you want me to remove them?” she asked.

MR. JONES sighed and rubbed his temples. “Ms. Lee, I agree with you, but you have to understand the situation. We have received several complaints from some parents and community members about these books. They claim that they are indoctrinating our students with radical and divisive ideologies. They say that they are against our values and traditions. They threaten to sue the school or withdraw their children if we don’t comply with their demands.”

MS. LEE shook her head in disbelief. “That’s ridiculous. They are not against our values and traditions. They are part of them. These books reflect the reality and diversity of our world and challenge our students to think critically. We have the right and the duty to provide these books to our students. We can’t let some narrow-minded and intolerant people censor our library.”

MR. JONES looked at her with a pained expression. “Ms. Lee, I agree with you. I personally have no problem with these books. But we have to think about the bigger picture. I have to balance the academic freedom and the social responsibility of our school. avoid any legal or financial troubles that could jeopardize our reputation and resources. I have to do what’s best for our school, even if it means making some compromises and sacrifices.”

Let’s pause here…

Take a few minutes to discuss in small groups or reflect on your own:

How do you think MS. LEE might respond to Mr. JONES? How can she stand firm in her values and commitment as a librarian, but with empathy for MR. JONES?

Ms. Lee and the Banned Books (K-12 Example) – Part 3

MS. LEE felt a surge of anger and disappointment. “Mr. Jones, you are not doing what’s best for our school. You’re doing what’s easy and safe and giving in to the pressure and the fear. You are betraying our principles and our profession. You are letting down our students and our staff. You are not a leader. You are a coward.”

MR. JONES flinched at her words. He clenched his jaw and stood up. “Ms. Lee, I’m sorry you feel that way. But this is not a matter of debate. This is a matter of policy. This is my final decision. You have until the end of the week to remove these books from the library. If you fail to do so, you will face disciplinary action. Do you understand?”

MS. LEE glared at him. She felt a mix of emotions: anger, sadness, frustration, defiance. She wanted to argue, to protest, to resist. But she knew it was futile. He had made up his mind. He had the power. She had no choice.

She nodded slowly. “I understand.”

Reflection Questions:

• What were you feeling in your body and where you are feeling it as you took in this scenario?
• If you have experienced a similar situation, how did your emotions, personal views, and conflict style impact how you responded?
• If you have not experienced something like this, how do you think your emotions, thoughts, and conflict style might impact how you respond?
• What did you think of the way MS. LEE handled this situation?
  • Were there things you particularly liked?
  •  Were there things that you think he could have done differently?
• How do you think you would typically handle this situation?
• What, if anything, would you do to take care of yourself after an incident like this? Who might you look to for support?

Section 2: How to Map Your Nervous System During Conflict

In this section, you will get a better understanding of what your responses during a conflict  say about your physical state when confronting potential threatening interactions with community members at the library:

• Read: How to Map Your Own Nervous System: The Polyvagal Theory – The Movement Paradigm 

Polyvagal chart reflection questions:

• After reviewing the Polyvagel chart, where would you place your response to the scenarios presented in the previous section?
• Did your placement change or stay relatively the same as the scenario progressed?
• What are some of the physical sensations you can be aware of  to help you determine what state (Fight, Flight, Freeze, Engage) you may be in during a difficult conversation?

Section 1: Deep Listening – The Key to Effective Communication

The first thing we have to prepare to do when conversations become uncomfortable is Listen very carefully. This means:

• Set aside your own agenda. Make your goal to learn what the speaker thinks and feels, not to change what the speaker thinks and feels.
• Pay special attention to the speaker’s feelings.
• Aim to understand what the speaker means, not just exactly what they say.

Many folks refer to this type of listening as Active or Deep Listening. Buddhist Monk and Peace Activist, Thich Nhat Hahn, explains it this way:

If the goal is to change perceptions…we must listen with the purpose of relieving the suffering of the other person…to help them empty their heart. If we remember this, then even when a person says things that are filled with bitterness and wrong perceptions, we are still able to continue to listen with compassion.   

Watch Thich Nhat Hahn explain the concept of deep listening here.

The Power of Listening Video and Reflection:

World-renowned negotiation and conflict expert William Ury explains the importance of listening, why we listen, and how to listen well in his TEDx Talk “The Power of Listening” (15 minutes). Screen the talk and reflect on the following:

• What are some things that resonate with you from the talk?
• How often do I truly listen? Reflect on your own communication habits. Are you actively engaged in listening, or do you often find yourself waiting to speak? Consider moments when you’ve genuinely listened to someone without interrupting or formulating your response in advance.
• What impact can active listening have on my relationships? Ury emphasizes the transformative power of listening. Think about how your relationships—whether personal or professional—could improve if you practiced deep listening. How might it affect your understanding, empathy, and connection with others?
• Am I open to changing my mind? Ury shares stories of conversations with influential leaders. One key lesson is that when we truly listen, our minds can open up to new perspectives and solutions. Reflect on instances when you’ve been resistant to changing your viewpoint. Could active listening lead to more constructive outcomes?

Listening Blocks How to Overcome Them:

The fact is, deep listening takes practice, and if we are untrained in how to listen deeply we more than likely experience what are known as listening blocks, the internal and external stimuli or habits that prevent us from truly listening to another person.

Some examples of Listening Blocks  include:

• Rehearsing:
  Preparing what you are going to say when the speaker finishes.
• Day Dreaming:
  Letting your mind wander.
• Judging:
  Labeling the speaker (as stupid, a jerk, racist, etc.).
• Filtering:
  Picking up only on certain information and disregarding the rest.
• Second Guessing:
  Jumping in before the speaker has finished because you think you’ve figured out what he/she is going to say.
• Mind Reading:
  Trying to figure out what the other person is saying without asking for clarification; assuming you know what he/she means without finding out.

PAUSE and REFLECT

• Which of these do you find yourself doing most often?
• How might you say this Listening Block and others impact how you listen?

Section 2: Affirm (Does Not Mean Agree)

The next step in LARA, Affirm, asks us to look for a feeling or value that you share with the person you are in a difficult conversation with. This not only makes the person feel heard and understood, but also builds common ground between you.

Affirming someone’s viewpoint DOES NOT mean you have to agree with their viewpoint. Instead, it simply acknowledges that the other person has a different way of seeing things than we do.

To affirm the speaker’s feelings,  we might use phrases like:

• “What I hear you saying is…”
• “I sense that you feel…
• “It seems like you feel…”
• “I sense we share the desire to do what is right”
• “I appreciate your honesty”
•  “It seems we both care deeply about…(fairness, people not being excluded etc.)”
• “We both seem to agree that…”
•  “I agree with what you said about…”

Watch Julia Dhar’s Ted Talk “How to disagree productively and find common ground” where she describes how finding common ground helps us have respectful conversations about issues that we do not see eye to eye on.

After screening the talk, reflect on the following questions:

• Recall a recent disagreement you had. How might you have approached it differently using the techniques discussed in the talk?
• Consider the scenarios presented in module 2, or a conflict that you have had in the workplace or with a community member.
  • Where can you see evidence of the librarian in the scenario trying to find common ground?
  • Where do you see this attempt at establishing common ground lacking?
  • How do you think this impacts the conversation?

Section 3: Respond Constructively

How we respond in uncomfortable conversations matters and is impacted by our feelings and emotions. We may often hear debaters and politicians “talk past” an opponent  in order to control the conversation and deliver their talking points.  But if you want to sincerely explore your differences, you should show respect by taking the speaker’s concerns seriously and addressing them directly.

In responding to the speaker, avoid labeling or attacking them and portraying your perspectives as universal truths or facts. Instead, use “I-statements” to frame your responses. I-statements include I feel, I believe, I think, I read, I learned in school, and so on.

Using Constructive Language:

Affirmatively using more constructive language which attempts to phrase a potentially negative message in a positive way is a start.

Constructive Language avoids:

• An air of superiority
• Showing indifference or apathy about an issue important to other person/people
• Negative evaluations or judgments of others (keep it neutral)
• Skepticism or doubt about credibility or legitimacy of claims

Consider the constructive vs. non-constructive responses below:

Constructive:  

• “I’ve read many scientific studies suggesting that race is a social construction, not a biological fact.”

Non-constructive: 

• “Science shows that race is a myth, and anyone who doesn’t believe this is simply ignorant.”

Constructive:

• “When you say that women are inferior, I feel angry.”

Non-constructive:

• “You are sexist.”

Pause and Reflect

• What do you notice about the constructive language examples compared to the non-constructive examples?
• Why might using constructive language be more effective than non-constructive language in a difficult conversation?
• Can you recall a time when your response in a conversation was more aligned with constructive language? How do you feel that conversation went?
• Can you recall a time when your responses in a conversation were more aligned with non-constructive language? How do you feel that conversation went?

Section 4: Asking Questions/Adding Information

Open-ended questions help you gain a better understanding of the other person’s perspective. They also demonstrate that you are genuinely interested in an exchange of information, not just working to win your point. Focus on the person’s feelings and not what they believe the facts are.

Open-ended questions you might consider are:

• “How did that make you feel?”
• “Why do you think you reacted that way?”
• “How did you reach that conclusion?”

The Back-Fire Effect: How proving someone wrong can backfire

It may be really enticing to correct someone whose facts are simply wrong but  You may never agree on the facts, but allowing the person to express how they feel may be enough to transition a difficult conversation from being an argument into an exchange of ideas.

Dialogue expert David Campt cites research that suggests that the same areas of our brains that are activated when we feel under physical threat are also activated when we believe our worldview is under attack. Furthermore, research on a phenomenon researchers call the backfire effect suggests that “In a remarkably high percentage of circumstances, people’s response to facts that contradict one’s position – no matter how esteemed the source – is to double down on one’s beliefs and find some rationale for dismissing the information (#FakeNews).

If you’d like a visual, this clip from the show Adam Ruins Everything – Why Proving Someone Wrong Often Backfires | truTV – YouTube explains the concept well.

You can also read more about the backfire effect here.

Pause and Reflect:

Have you had an experience where you provided someone information that you thought would change their mind, only to have it backfire? What was it like to experience that?

The Dignity Model: 10 Essential Elements

By shifting a difficult conversation away from facts but rather the values and beliefs that underlie the person’s position, we are working to  help the individual keep their dignity; what Harvard Scholar Donna Hicks says is the “unspoken human yearning that is at the heart of all conflicts,”

Hicks developed The Dignity Model, which consists of 10 Essential Elements of Dignity:

• Acceptance of Identity
  • Approach people as neither inferior nor superior to you; give others the freedom to express their authentic selves without fear of being negatively judged; interact without prejudice or bias, accepting how race, religion, gender, class, sexual orientation, age, disability, etc. are at the core of their identities. Assume they have integrity.
• Recognition
  • Validate others for their talents, hard work, thoughtfulness, and help; be generous with praise; give credit to others for their contributions, ideas and experience.
• Acknowledgment
  • Give people your full attention by listening, hearing, validating, and responding to their concerns and what they have been through.
• Inclusion
  • Make others feel that they belong at all levels of relationship (family, community, organization, nation).
• Safety
  • Put people at ease at two levels: physically, where they feel free of bodily harm; and psychologically, where they feel free of concern about being shamed or humiliated, that they feel free to speak without fear of retribution.
• Fairness
  • Treat people justly, with equality, and in an evenhanded way, according to agreed-upon laws and rules.
• Independence
  • Empower people to act on their own behalf so that they feel in control of their lives and experience a sense of hope and possibility.
• Understanding
  • Believe that what others think matters; give them the chance to explain their perspectives, express their points of view; actively listen in order to understand them.
• Benefit of the Doubt
  • Treat people as trustworthy; start with the premise that others have good motives and are acting with integrity.
• Accountability
  • Take responsibility for your actions; if you have violated the dignity of another, apologize; make a commitment to change hurtful behaviors

Watch:

Donna Hicks explains The Meaning of Dignity.

Pause and Reflect

• Looking at this list of Essential Elements of Dignity:
• Which do you feel you do pretty consistently during difficult conversations?
• Which do you feel might be growth areas for you?

Conclusion

The most important thing to remember when faced with difficult conversations at work or even in our personal lives is that the only person we have control of is ourselves. The more we are aware of our tendencies when confronted with difficult conversations the better we can manage these situations.

Take it further:

• Consider how you might apply the LARA Method to scenarios in the second module or a situation from your own experience.